


Did You Hear About The…

by amorremanet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angelcest, Bad Puns, Biblical References, Community: comment_fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-21
Updated: 2010-10-21
Packaged: 2017-11-03 22:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/386717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorremanet/pseuds/amorremanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Only two courses of action occurred to Lucifer: killing Gabriel, or finding some way to shut him up."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Did You Hear About The…

**Author's Note:**

> From the prompt, "Supernatural, Gabriel + Lucifer, 'I'm not in the mood for puns.'" The theme of the day was "only speech," and this version of the fic has been expanded to include the narrative I had to keep cutting while writing the original ([located here](http://community.livejournal.com/comment_fic/193045.html?thread=41469461#t41469461)).
> 
> No, seriously, I apologize for these puns. They make _me_ cringe and I'm the one who tied them together into a fic.

The sun was setting over Cairo, but it didn't really make a difference; outside of the Hebrews' quarters, there hadn't been any daylight today. Even now, the only sources of light came from the candles in the slave people's windows and what emanated off of the Morningstar. Most of the angels had taken to helping wreak destruction on the Egyptians — Michael and Raphael took a sort of glee in meting out what they called Divine Justice, and after proving his mettle in the affair at Sodom and Gomorrah, Uriel had been given charge over afflicting Rameses's palace itself — but Lucifer and Gabriel had stayed outside the boundaries of the city, just watching.

A croak broke their silence, and a large frog stared up at the angels as though they owed him something. Lucifer sighed and shook his head. "I still can't believe our Father."

Gabriel turned his eyes up to his big brother and frowned. "…what's not to get, Lucy? I mean, it's not like the Divine Wrath business is all that hard to understand." And, really, it was kind of excessive, the youngest archangel thought. Sure, he didn't like the Egyptians either — and hadn't since Bast's definition of giving him _cat-scratch fever_ had turned out to be biting him in sensitive places while they made the beast with two backs and twelve wings — but the whole plagues business was getting out of hand.

Which was entirely the trouble with giving humans magic wands, but that, Lucifer thought, was another debate for another day.

"But _frogs_ , Gabriel. The blood, I understood, and the lice, flies, livestock death, the locusts, even the darkness… but _frogs_?" He crossed his arms over his chest and some silent part of him hoped that their Father would stop hardening the Pharaoh's heart. The divine pissing contest had gotten old as soon as Castiel had been stupid enough to take a vessel, thereby ending up with lice.

Gabriel shrugged; his smile didn't have a care in the world. "Maybe He was hopping mad at the Egyptians. …Get it, _hopping_ mad? …Okay, so, you know how frogs hop to get places—"

"I know exactly what you meant to say, little brother. I just don't find it particularly amusing." By their feet, the frog croaked again. Lucifer had no desire to attempt interpreting Frog into anything resembling sentient thought, but somehow, he thought the creature disapproved of being used as a bad joke.

Chuckling, Gabriel insisted: "Come on, it was kind of amusing."

"In the same way that He was kind of out of line with the whole Garden of Eden business, yes."

The worst part about this whole mess was that Lucifer had taught Gabriel about wordplay in their youth, and having it turned around on him with no finesse to speak of was one of the worst punishments Lucifer could think of befalling him. And he supposed that he understood their Father's point of view: sure, Lucifer had corrupted Lilith to her breaking point, thereby creating the first demon, and sure, since then, she'd done everything in her power to make sure the number of her kind grew… but that was ancient history, really. And either way, it didn't merit Gabriel's atrocious puns as punishment.

"I'm glad for it, you know. …Them. …All His different Issues," Gabriel finally said, shaking Lucifer out of his little reverie.

The Morningstar sunk to the ground and sat beside his brother. "Why's that?"

"The Divine Wrath, chucking Adam and Eve into the wilderness… I mean, it shows a lot of decision-making abilities."

Lucifer wrinkled his nose; his wings bristled on their own. "Yes," he said. "It shows that He doesn't love these hairless apes as much as He'd like everyone to believe and yet continues to forgive them after every single slip."

"No, no, I meant it just for Dad. Like, I used to think He was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure…"

Lucifer rolled his eyes and gave his little brother a Significant Look. "That one doesn't even make sense."

"Neither does the platypus and He still got away with that."

"I'm actually rather fond of those creatures. They remind me of Michael when he gets upset."

"Yeah, well." The expression on Gabriel's face came close to pouting — a fact that made Lucifer think knocking his brother out might be a public service. "I want to try being a Healer," Gabriel continued, "but I don't think I have the patients."

"No, you just have too much of a penchant for mischief."

Gabriel wrinkled his nose like an irritated kitten. "…Does every unicorn have a unique horn?"

"Not since Noah left them behind in the flood, they don't."

"Lucy…" He sighed as if he'd just been asked to clean up Cairo after their Father and His Wrath got done with it, and for a moment, the sulking seemed like deep contemplation. Perhaps he had something serious on his mind for once — their Father's self-contradictions, or the state of the world, or the fact that someone needed to stand up for the place in the world that _they_ deserved. Instead, Gabriel asked: "If you get shot with a bow, would you have an 'arrowing experience?"

"…" Lucifer stared at Gabriel.

The littlest archangel smirked. "Oh, sorry, brother — was that not a _knife_ thing to say?"

"……" He couldn't help wondering what the Hell Gabriel thought he was doing.

"Well, okay, fine. If you're going to give me the cold shoulder, I'll _chill_ out and _spear_ you the details."

"………" All of the effort he'd put into teaching his brother everything he knew, and Gabriel gave him this in return?

"I don't think it matters much what Dad does to the Pharaoh, anyway. I mean, old kings never die; they just get throne away."

"…………" Only two courses of action occurred to Lucifer: killing Gabriel, or finding some way to shut him up. Naturally, the latter was reversible and thus less desirable as a longterm solution.

"Did you hear about the recent divorcee with no left ventricle?" The smirk turned into a full-fledged grin, one that made Gabriel's beauty shine brighter than Lucifer's Grace. It lit up his entire face with a self-assurance that Lucifer had never seen in any of his brothers — and it occurred to him that their Father might get in a strop over a murder. And that it would have been such a shame to waste Gabriel's good looks and personality — even if it had more than its fair share of irritating moments — on something so base and common as _death_.

Gabriel didn't notice any of this: "…I heard he left his wife _half-heartedly_ — hey — wait — what're you do—"

Lucifer knocked his brother to his back and cut him off with a kiss, biting on Gabriel's lower lip. "I'm not in the mood for puns, Gabriel, but I know plenty of better uses for those lips of yours."

And murder took such concentrated effort, anyway.


End file.
